This week I’ve decided not to share a post in the way I usually would. What I wanted to share today is half written, but after a pretty difficult and draining week or so, I couldn’t bring myself to finish writing it. I feel bad that the people following my blog weekly may be expecting something different, but I’ve had to realise that I’m just not in the right frame of mind to finish writing the post which I’d started for today. I’ve pushed myself too much this last week, everything’s caught up with me and I’ve massively felt the effects. I’ve got a lot going on lately and I’ve been trying to handle too much at once. But as much as I feel bad for not being able to share the next part of my journey today, I have to remember that this is still my journey. I’m still dealing with a lot of things which are a knock on effect of what I’ve been through. A lot of the things going on right now and the ways that I’m feeling probably wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for what I’ve been through. So this is all still very much a part of my journey.
A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks which have knocked me back a bit personally. The way some people have spoken to me and consequently made me feel. Things that have made me emotional and frustrated and at times made me question things about myself. It doesn’t help that I’d somehow managed to forget to take my medication (for anxiety and depression) for a few days, which then had a knock on effect when I’ve already been feeling low. My anxiety has been heightened and has caused me to worry, overthink and dwell more than I’ve needed to on certain situations.
I’m currently in training for a volunteer role with a charity and I’m really enjoying it and so glad that I’ve started. But I’m still trying to figure out a nice balance between working full time, volunteering, writing for my blog and having some time for myself. Amongst many other things that have happened this last week, it’s just got a bit much. I’ve been finding it difficult to concentrate because I’m always thinking about things I need to do that night or over the next week. I’ve not really been able to focus solely on the thing I’m doing but thinking about what I could be, should be or need to be doing. I feel very lucky to have been accepted as a volunteer for the charity and I’m extremely grateful for the support I’m receiving on the back of my blog posts. I’m enjoying writing and I feel humbled by the people opening up to me who can resonate. What I really need to do now is to find a happy balance between it all which includes some me time. I haven’t really been allowing for ‘bad days’. Days when something happens and I just need to take some time away to rest and recharge which is what I’ve been needing to do for this last week. Rather than taking that time, I’ve just been pushing the bad days to the back of my mind so that I can progress with the things I need to do. Unfortunately, that’s what has led to me feeling slightly overwhelmed, drained and with little energy to be able to do anything.
There’s also the fact that it’s getting closer to Christmas which means thoughts of last Christmas are coming back more often. I expected this to happen as Christmas got closer but it’s something that I’m now having to learn how to manage and not let those thoughts consume me. I’m yet to decide whether it’s going to get easier or harder as Christmas approaches, and I’m already worrying incase it gets harder. I know that I’ve got through the worst of it so I can get through this too, but it doesn’t help the worrying. Recently I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get to sleep on a night and even harder to get up on a morning. This hasn’t only been due to the thoughts of Christmas, it’s been a mixture of everything that’s been happening. I haven’t been able to shut my brain off very well and I’ve constantly been overthinking. I don’t think there’s been a day this last week where I’ve woke up feeling well rested!
I’ve realised this week that I need to be a little better with taking some time for myself and not pushing myself to the point of being completely drained again. I need to allow for bad days and I need to be better at taking time out for myself. That’s the reason why I’ve made the decision not to share the post I originally began writing for today. I’ve had to take a step back for a couple of days and really focus on myself. I’m sorry to those that expected the next part of my journey to be shared today but as I said at the start, this is still very much my journey, just a more current part of it.
I’ve said it before but it’s important to remember that it IS ok not to be ok all of the time. You have to look after yourself, it’s crucial to look after yourself. It may not always be easy, but you have to put yourself first and take care of you.
Much love,
Steph xo
My Journey, By Steph 